What the hell is wrong with me?
Why did I not say it back?
I think it caught me by surprise.
I feel so shitty now. Buy happy at the same time?
Its weird because theres all this positive emotion and connection and for the first time theres seriously like no physical to distract or anything. I think thats what ruined so much in the part. So much time is missed because of stupid stuff like that. My left arm is seriously shaking. Thats never happened from something like this. Yeah wow. Scattered thoughts much? I need to try to be more affectionate and stuff. Czechs are not affectionate at all. The last time I hugged my mom was her birthday a few weeks ago but before that I dont remember. Its not that I dont care, I just am not that way about my parents or anyone really close to me. With friends I can be xlose and hug and all that because it doesnt actually mean anything more than oh you are really cool but I think when it means more its like I am nervous about conveying wrong messages and just the fact that for the first time in my life I am really really putting myself out there for someone. I think that I didnt have any problem with past guys is because I never truly cared for them the way I do now. It didnt matter because they werent reeeally that important to me but now Im just shell shocked and theres no reason for me to be as far away as I am now. I have opened up so much and its scary I guess that whole mind body and soul thing. Well, the mind is no longer just mine. I think that the physical part scares me because then like its my mind and body being shared with someone else and its sooo scary to think about.
So the real question, do I say it back? I am one of those romanticists that believes love is one of those undefinable things and I really dont know when its there. I dont want to lie about something I take so seriously. It is so beyond unfair. What I can say is that there is something here that has never ever been here before. Its indescribable my feelings for this kid. Its never boring to talk to. Theres comfort, theres support, theres friendship, theres that x factor. I really like how besides the random REALLY nice words that theres like zero flirtation. To me, its hard to break the grey area of when is fun and when is serious. Right now I have nothing but serious amazing feelings. I think its something beyond incredible, but I am one of those people that is so hesitant to use the word and because of that I feel like a royal douche.
And Bobo- Dont feel like you shouldntve said anything because Im so happy you did. It really really made my day and was the reassurance I needed. Im sorry I am a prude and all over the place but I really am trying hard and I promise itll be worth it and with time itll just get better. I want to do this right so bad because its what you deserve.
wowwwww long much?
As far as the day goes, I met a girl from kingston. Kayleigh. Shes so cool, not quite scene but still really awesome. I think her and I will be fast friends. We learned hand massaging today. I love love love cosmo.
And I think I finally found my dream career. It just clicked.
Current Music: Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap (in my head)